Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
