so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
