Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
