I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
