I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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