i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
