smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
