Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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