shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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