when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
