He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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