I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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