Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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