She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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