I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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