roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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