I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
