i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
