how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
