those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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