I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
