I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
