dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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