I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
