If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
