Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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