I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
