I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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