But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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