in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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