So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
