Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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