I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
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Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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