so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
