She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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