Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I forget how to act sober
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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