If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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