going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
