so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
