my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
