Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
