Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
