When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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