I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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