Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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