We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
