this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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