final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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