He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
