Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
