tonight lets celebrate not being married
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
