I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
